I have been feeling ill for the last few days. Nothing that requires bed rest. But every night the fever rises and the chills set in.
And even though I have my family around me,I do miss my mum.
She would always worry the most. Driving me crazy. But always there with a kind word and worried face.
There will never be that one person who cared so very much.
I want to move on.
I want to move on,but how do I do that?
When the reminders are so constant.
How do I move on?
I woke up this morning feeling desperately uneasy. She died. After all those days of waiting of fearing….she is gone.Has it really been over six months?
I will never see her again.
Yesterday would have been my parents fiftieth wedding anniversary….
You are finally together again.
As you’ve gathered I have 3 kids. Due to their age gaps they attend different schools. The oldest is in high school,the middle in primary and the youngest is at a play group.
It sounds worse than it actually is.
What I was stressing about before this arrangement began was that the older two’s schools closed at different times of the year. So basically except for December they would not be on holiday at the same time. It also means that I’m up making lunches practically everyday of the entire year!
Crappy I thought,but after the first batch of holidays I’m not complaining so much anymore.
It’s been the first time after a very long time that I have spent time alone with each older child.
And I must say I enjoyed it. It was good for me and I think for them too.
I spend so much time with them together that it is hard to focus on just ones needs. To make just one child feel special at a time. And I had even less time to give when the little one came along.
So I think I’m going to embrace this craziness.I am looking forward to all the wonderful stuff I can do with my daughters and son individually.
We are always told to be steadfast in our convictions.
To stand our ground.
Never give up…
Yes that is all true…. but giving in and compromising is not a bad trait either.
Especially with the people you care about. And when it is not a huge issue.
It does not make you a lesser person.
Life is about compromise
I visited my mum’s grave again today.
Today I cried….
I miss u mum.
I was about 15yrs old when my mom’s mom died. I have some really wonderful memories of her.
She loved having us around,and I remember many long fun filled holidays at her home with my cousins.
She was different from other Indian grannies. Tall and almost regal. She grew up on the island of Reunion….and I think the French influence didn’t quite wash off entirely.
We always sneaked into her vanity drawer to smell the lovely soaps and pressed powders.
She was in her sixties…when she was brutally attacked during a robbery. She lay in a coma for a week or so before she passed. Never waking up.
Her death was my first loss…yet in my teenage years the pain quickly forgotten.
Today I look back and think about what it must have done to my mum. She missed her mother terribly. But never talked about her pain ,her loss or even anger.
Why did I not see her grief? Did she shield me from it?
Was I blind to her pain? Or do I just not remember.
How awful it must have been….this beautiful woman who was so coldly murdered.
To live knowing that her last moments were of fear.
I cannot imagine.