Five stages of grief.

There are supposed to be five steps of grief…I think.
Denial,anger and I really don’t know what comes in between and then lastly acceptance.
I don’t know where I am?
I’m not in denial,I have accepted that she has died.
Besides the steps that I’ve forgotten all I’m left with is anger. And yes I do have this bubbling rage that surfaces every so often. I don’t know if its because of her illness. Or how she died.
Exhaustion or boredom….maybe even frustration. But I do know that I am getting there.
Slowly.

Manual of life.

There should be a manual available for people that explains how one should react and deal with adversity.
How to cope when faced with an ailing parent,a chronically ill child or any other heart wrenching experience any person needs to go through in life.Because often we find ourselves in these situations.
We do our best and yet we are left feeling guilt. Feeling that we have not done our best.
Often these doubts surface from deep within ourselves, and sometimes it’s because we overhear snippets of whispered conversations.
People are very quick to pass judgement!
They would have done this,or that. Taken the ill person to the best specialist doctor. And in their care everything would have been better.
We all know these type of people. Sometimes we are these people.
Yet it is only the families experiencing these hardships that could ever know their day to day trials.
So next time any of us think we know better take step back and rather shut up.

To the mum in my community who lost her 8yrs old son, may Allah give you the strength to cope. And as a mother believe that you did your best.

Who am I to those around me?

Who do people see when they see me?

I am their friend,confidante or am i just an associate.
I am a mother,a wife,an aunt, a sister, a cousin and a colleague.
I am a different person to all those around me.

I wear a mask to hide my fear…I wear a mask to hide my tears.
Yet I wear my joy for all to see.

I am so many to all those around me.
Yet I am no longer anyone’s child or daughter.

Happy Mother’s Day

I woke this morning with an extremely heavy heart. The first Mother’s Day without mum around…
I didn’t miss her anymore today than any other day. But yes I have been feeling out of sorts during the last week. And I do think its because of the constant reminders of Mother’s Day.

The day came and went and I survived.
I’ve been thinking about my loss, I have no parents. And I do feel empty and sad often.
But at the same time I am so grateful for all that I do have. I have a loving husband,three
beautiful children,a beautiful home and amazing relatives that make me feel cherished always.

I think of all those that have lost so much more,who endure so much more.
I am grateful.

Mourning

I met an acquaintance at a funeral today. It was the first time I’ve seen her since my mum’s funeral. We chatted a bit. She asked how I was doing and how my kids were coping.
I did appreciate her asking,because many people just assume that I’ve moved on.
It has been six months.
Maybe they really don’t know what to say.
It bothers me sometimes but not often.

The lady I met today remarked how heartbroken the family of the deceased were. They cried a lot and were inconsolable. She implied that they must have really cared and loved their elderly father.
I’m sure she was just making conversation……but when she said it was so unlike my reaction after my mum died…..WTH
Because I didn’t have a mental breakdown,or cry inconsolably in front of guests,or shout in despair from the roof tops. It does not mean I did not care,or that I hurt less.

Don’t assume that you know me or even understand me.
Because you don’t.