I was watching an episode of Greys Anatomy last night. It was extremely emotional and sad. Maggie lost her mom to breast cancer. The episode focused on how Maggie as a surgeon was trying to do everything in her power to save her mum. She didn’t want her to give up.
She wanted her to fight.
She wanted her to live.
Maggie was not ready to let go….
And here lies the most important decision any person would need to make in that situation. Fight for your life,do everything possible to overcome illness.
But a time will come when there is nothing left to fight for. When all that lies ahead is pain and suffering.
It is up to those watching to allow the sick to let go…
Don’t make your fear their issue.
Let them live with dignity,die with dignity.
I know I would always choose quality over quantity.
Do you know what it’s like to anticipate an experience for years, to relive it in your mind a thousand times. I imagined seeing Jannatul Baqi where my father lies a thousand times….thinking about my emotions. Finding closure….
Yet being there …smelling the Arabian air..feeling the soil under my feet, was nothing like I imagined.
As my flight touched down, …I cried like never before. I cried knowing that these were my father’s last sights. I cried knowing it was the last time my parents were together. They were happy.
I cried because this is where it all began. I cried because I knew that this was where it all ended.
As we approached the city, my heart ached and sang all at the same time.
I was here…how long I waited.
I was finally here.
I haven’t written for such a long time. I’ve told myself that it’s because I feel healed. There is no longer that gaping hole,an invisible crevice deep in my soul.
I feel whole again after a very long time. And writing down my thoughts,my fears,my anguish was the therapy I needed to get to where I am now.
I miss the lives lost almost daily,but there is serenity in my thoughts.
The years have passed,and in the process of healing I have found myself again.
I wish there was a pill that could be taken for grief. How many people go through life and never find themselves again?
Take one pill every morning after experiencing great anguish.
Can be taken daily until relief is felt.
This pill will help you through the stages of grief. It will make you whole again.
The alternative is going through the stages of grief naturally. Listening to how time will heal. Knowing that in time we just mask our pain better.
It is a pain I will not wish on my worst enemy.
It feels like yesterday when I held you first in my arms…
So tiny,so fragile…
So quickly you grew up…
You watched me grow too, you watched my sorrows.
You felt my fears…
You saw my anger…
So confident and feisty…
So bright and lovable…
Like a butterfly spreading your wings…
Off to school you go…
How I wish they were here too see you❤️
The room was cold and eerie…faceless people milled around the frail old man on a hospital gurney.
Someone whispered in my ear ‘ He has been unresponsive, his time is near’
As I drew closer my heart raced. There was so much blood oozing from his back.
I recognized him instantly.
His eyes opened wide, he lurched from the bed grabbing me.
‘Fatima you are here. Fatima you came’
My body shaking in fear….
My eyes opened…..
How incredible is it that those pet peeves we had about family traditions become so important to us as we grow older. Especially when we have kids.
I find myself doing things just because that’s the way it was done whilst I was growing up.
With technology it’s difficult to get our kids and myself away from the smartphones and tablets. But there are a few things I won’t ever compromise on.
Family meals are one of those times….the kids set the the table, and I expect all to sit and eat together. No TV!! And no technology most of the time.
How did we ever survive without those damn things….life was simpler and I think we were more present in the moments of our lives.
The other task keeping me busy is preparing for Ramadhan. Savouries coming out my ears!!
I always said I’d never succumb to the absolute madness of preparing all this food for the fasting. What is the point when the entire premise of the fast is not to feast.
Even though I do just enough to satisfy my family during this time, I would never dream of not having any savouries.
It’s just how we broke the fast….table laden with mouth watering goodies.
Something’s are meant to stay the same…..
What’s it like to be bombarded by Mothers Day paraphernalia for weeks when you don’t have a mother.
I am a mother and I appreciate that mothers need to be celebrated.
But the adverts….the chocolates…the flowers.
The endless ads on the radio.
I don’t care if it sounds selfish…..
I just feel nauseous.