Class of 91.
I didn’t realize how much fun it would be to reconnect with people of my youth.
We grew up in apartheid South Africa. My classmates all looked like me. We were forced into an unnatural community. All Indian in Africa.
Yet going back, despite being aware of all the inequality that surrounded us, we lived in absolute bliss.
We’ve come so far, we’ve broken the shackles that kept us in that time warped place.
And as the years pass I realize that despite my journey in life having hit so many potholes,I have made choices that have led me to exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I was watching an episode of Greys Anatomy last night. It was extremely emotional and sad. Maggie lost her mom to breast cancer. The episode focused on how Maggie as a surgeon was trying to do everything in her power to save her mum. She didn’t want her to give up.
She wanted her to fight.
She wanted her to live.
Maggie was not ready to let go….
And here lies the most important decision any person would need to make in that situation. Fight for your life,do everything possible to overcome illness.
But a time will come when there is nothing left to fight for. When all that lies ahead is pain and suffering.
It is up to those watching to allow the sick to let go…
Don’t make your fear their issue.
Let them live with dignity,die with dignity.
I know I would always choose quality over quantity.
I haven’t written for such a long time. I’ve told myself that it’s because I feel healed. There is no longer that gaping hole,an invisible crevice deep in my soul.
I feel whole again after a very long time. And writing down my thoughts,my fears,my anguish was the therapy I needed to get to where I am now.
I miss the lives lost almost daily,but there is serenity in my thoughts.
The years have passed,and in the process of healing I have found myself again.
I wish there was a pill that could be taken for grief. How many people go through life and never find themselves again?
Take one pill every morning after experiencing great anguish.
Can be taken daily until relief is felt.
This pill will help you through the stages of grief. It will make you whole again.
The alternative is going through the stages of grief naturally. Listening to how time will heal. Knowing that in time we just mask our pain better.
It is a pain I will not wish on my worst enemy.
We’ve all been there.
Maybe we’ve been the hater.
You know the feeling, you meet someone after a while…
Bumping into them in the mall.
On that one lucky day,your hair looks good.
The dress fits just so,and for once you have the right shoes on.
U catch them looking at you just a bit weird.
Checking you out on the sly.
The compliments so forthcoming…..but you feel the falseness.
Do women realize that life is not a competition…..
I’m happy that you are looking good.
Today I’m in a good place but tomorrow is another day.
The room was cold and eerie…faceless people milled around the frail old man on a hospital gurney.
Someone whispered in my ear ‘ He has been unresponsive, his time is near’
As I drew closer my heart raced. There was so much blood oozing from his back.
I recognized him instantly.
His eyes opened wide, he lurched from the bed grabbing me.
‘Fatima you are here. Fatima you came’
My body shaking in fear….
My eyes opened…..
I often wake up in the middle of the night and struggle to fall asleep again. Those are the hardest moments. It’s difficult to still your mind. To stop the random thoughts.
To stop dwelling on what could have been.
And yet sleep comes eventually,sometimes followed by fitful dreams,often just emptiness.
There are other moments too. Brief episodes of extreme panic…I acknowledge my loss. I realize the finality of it all.
I feel my heart tightening and breathe sharpen….
It subsides as quickly as it starts.
My life is compartmentalized.
Am I healed?
I think I’m getting there. I will get there…I am not there yet.
I miss them both fiercely. Their absence from my life is tangible. There are so many people who experience what I’m feeling daily. And I empathize with them.
I look at all those that have their parents around with just a hint of envy, yet knowing what is inevitable is heartbreaking.
Bad things happen to good people.
I know people who have spent their entire lives doing good.
Taking care of their families,being good wives,mothers,daughters and sons.
Yet there is so little to show at the end.
So little comfort.
So much suffering…….
Bad things happen to good people.
It’s just a fact of life.