I saw my my father’s funeral in a dream…
He was shrouded in white. Lying there’s so still.
My heart was shattering into a million pieces.
There was family around waiting to take him to his final resting place. My mum sat in shock.
No sooner had his body been lifted I awoke.
Why did I have this dream?
As his funeral was nothing like my dream. It was thousands of miles away.
I was nowhere…I did not see his shrouded body. I did not say any final goodbyes.
I did not see his lifeless body.
Even though I’m sad….I will never wish it to be any other way.
How long has it been since I last wrote?
I really don’t know. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say,I just feel like I’ve lost my voice.
Life goes on, we are so busy with day to day stuff.
Each day brings new challenges, each day we grow. I learn more about myself.I see the future in my children’s eyes. It both excites me and scares me at the same time. I’ve come so far…I read through my previous posts.
I felt all that pain and heartache….it’s all there, but I’m over the hill. I’ve conquered the worst of my grief.
And yet I stand today knowing that I’m missing something.
I need to find a new purpose in my life. My kids are just a little older. It’s been easier,my baby is not a baby anymore. She’s an intelligent, feisty soul that will start big school next year.
I have time to find myself again.
How time passes…it amazes me.
40 is supposed to be the new 30!
My beautiful daughter turned 5 today. I’m so amazed at the bright confident little girl she’s become.
As we lay in bed last night talking about the excitement of the day to come. I couldn’t but help think about my mum.
It’s been 2 yrs…she had turned 3 just after granny had passed. So much has changed, so much has transpired.
On her own she says to me that she misses granny.As we spoke I realized that her memories are fading…
She will have a few recollections of her time with gran….but it’s all fading.
I don’t fear death…
I fear the loss of those I love…
I fear the pain of those left behind…
I had an awful thought before I fell asleep last night. I imagined not believing in a life after….a thought that I would never meet those that I have lost in another life. It was such a sad empty feeling.
And then I dreamt.
I dreamt of my my mum and dad. Random stuff.
We were at a shopping mall, dad and I waiting for my mother to look at ALL the artificial flowers on display.
We were in a hospital waiting for her to go on dialysis.
Nothing special…but so special….
They are there.
They are waiting.
How many days has it been…too many?
The days get better, I cope so well and then all of a sudden it all comes falling down.
And so slowly we start building the normality again.
Brick by brick, tear by tear.
I sit and wonder what the trigger was, what brought all this anguish back?
Does it matter.
The pain’s still there.
The wound has healed a bit, but like any scab if you scratch too deep, it bleeds.
I miss those Fridays years ago,when the kids were young.
We had lunch with my parents after mosque.
The noise was deafening,everyone talking at once.
Anticipating the weekend ahead.
I miss those Fridays when no one was dead and no one was sick……