I often wake up in the middle of the night and struggle to fall asleep again. Those are the hardest moments. It’s difficult to still your mind. To stop the random thoughts.
To stop dwelling on what could have been.
And yet sleep comes eventually,sometimes followed by fitful dreams,often just emptiness.
There are other moments too. Brief episodes of extreme panic…I acknowledge my loss. I realize the finality of it all.
I feel my heart tightening and breathe sharpen….
It subsides as quickly as it starts.
My life is compartmentalized.
Am I healed?
I think I’m getting there. I will get there…I am not there yet.
I miss them both fiercely. Their absence from my life is tangible. There are so many people who experience what I’m feeling daily. And I empathize with them.
I look at all those that have their parents around with just a hint of envy, yet knowing what is inevitable is heartbreaking.